August 9th 2019 changed my life.

An incident occurred where I was attacked by someone who I trusted. I feared for my life for the first time ever and still question how I am here today. I trusted know one, I felt like my life could be threatened from the kindest of souls. Those who I have trusted my entire life.

I tried to bottle this up, and put one foot in front of the other. I dove head first into work, hiding from the pain. Weeks and weeks of not sleeping turned into months. I had to hit a breaking point to seek help. Those around the incident where they're for me, but drifted fast back into their lives and their troubles. I don't blame them, I was hiding, pretending I had no pain. Hell I still do this, and will most likely continue to do this for the rest of my life.

But I was in a dark hole a very dark place. Screaming in my sleep, Un-able to focus, stopped riding my bike, and really spiralled into a dark hole. A dark hole I fight day in and day out, I spend days buried in my work and days laying in bed lights off in the dark with my dog not wanting to move or do anything. It is a struggle, every day is a step forward, but that does not mean tomorrow won't be a challenge. Why me? What did I do? Will I get to sleep at all tonight?

I cry, I get angry, I cant control my emotions. I've gained weight. I've lost fitness. I lost my love to ride bikes.

It's exhausting, putting on a smile and stepping out into the world. Fighting my inner demons on a quest for answers I will never have.

I write this to get some thoughts of my mind. It won't make things that much better but the process of getting these words down and out of my brain gives me just enough calmness to think to the future.

I wander through a thick fog day in and day out. But it is getting thinner and it will clear one day.

If you are needing help please reach out, if not here are some resources in Canada that can help you.

Acess Mental Health